sometimes it's hard for me to tell where my desire not to be perceived comes from.

i find that a lot of people i meet, both online and in real life, are very scared and ashamed of themselves. so many people wanna blur into the background, wish they were invisible, an empty spot. it sound counter-intuitive in a world that values hyperindividualism, but in reality, i think the same world creates the desite not to be percieved.

look ( ← haha, ironic wording with the title): i am described as one of most memorable people by practically everyone i meet.

i am unique.
i am special.
i don't look like others do.

in theory, it is a good trait, making me a fun person to talk to with a bright personality a lot of knowledge in different fields and who may tell you something interesting an average person usually can't.

in practice, i am diagnosed with autism thrice and my family kind of wishes i was not.

i think the world wants you to special, but only in particular way: especially rich, especially talented, especially successful, especially attractive in only the modern eurocentic way. if you are "special" in any other way, if you happen to truly not look like other people, if your identity is truly "queer", if your behaviour or life doesn't fit what society says it should, suddenly instead of praise you get a simple message: "oh, actually, YOU? sorry, you aren't SPECIAL. you are just a FREAK!"

when you live with a community that instead of warm support offers you a "fuck you", it's hard to want to exist in public spaces where people can judge you, where they can make worst of assumptions about you, where they can hurt you.

"desire not to be percieved" is, in a way, a false idea: what most of us actually have is "desire not to be hurt by people's perception", and it's one that is so easy to develop if you internalized any kind of shame about yourself.

and with how much shame i live with, i often ask myself: is it still worth fighting it? should i let myself be seen?

on bad days, i will stay still in my apartment and try not to say a thing.

but on the good days...

i wish to gently help myself get up from bed,
put on nice clothes,
contact a friend,
go out in town,
maybe share my thoughts about stuff
and i think it is a nice day today, so


thanks for letting me be seen.